Has an ex or someone you loved ever twisted something you said into something gross and evil$%: Accused you of the most despicable, callous lie$%: Or worse, actually told you he/she is lowering his/her "standards" by dating you$%:
And you may well recall how stunned you were by their words. How their hurtful words left you emotionally devastated. How you tried to understand where they came up with such an idea. What could you have done that they reacted so vehemently about$%: How you thought he/she must surely know it's ridiculous. You may have even asked "Is he doing this just to be intentionally cruel$%:" "Maybe he/she's using it as a way to end the relationship, but what a terrible way to do it".
If this is ever happened to you, then you've experienced the effects of someone "projecting" their thoughts, feelings, behaviours, fears, anxieties, inadequacies, shortcomings, pain and impulses etc. on you.
Any statements
Projection is not an easy concept to wrap your mind around, let alone accept. It is especially hard to accept that someone you loved so much and thought loved you back just as much could be very hurtful to you.
Most of us can not immediately recognize a person's "projecting" behaviour because in the initial stages of the relationship, he/she appears to be our 'soul mate'. He/she admires you and mirrors every good quality you possess. he/she shares the same plans for life, the same philosophies, the same dreams and even goals. You feel like you've met someone perfect. But the "idealization" stage didn't last very long.
One day, you make one simple small error like say something they don't approve of or act in a way they did not expect of you and they'll start to nitpick and criticize you for every trivial thing. They'll "split" you into a good or bad person instantaneously even without knowing the whole truth. They'll also start accusing and blaming you for not giving them enough respect. Respect is especially important to them because they have not gotten enough "respect" in their lives.
Projection fulfills their need for seeing themselves in a good light. By blaming you for the negative outcomes of the relationship, "Look what you made me do!" they can project their own problematic characteristics on you thus freeing themselves from responsibility for their actions. Projection helps them avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it. It distracts and diverts attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. The more hurt and worthless their accusations make you feel, the more free they feel from responsibility for their actions.
The "shock" from their accusations and allegations even though they are vague and non-specific can hurt to the core- I know, been there. But probably the most destructive of all projections is being told that he/she is lowering his/her "standards" by dating you. It can hit hard at your self-confidence and self-esteem, even making you afraid of approaching any other man/woman, or starting a relationship with them because you feel "unworthy". It also makes you very sensitive to their words and actions of others. The worst scenario is that, you will begin to project your own thoughts, feelings, behaviours, fears, anxieties, inadequacies, shortcomings, pain and impulses etc. on others yourself.
But when you understand that the criticism and allegations etc that were made toward and about you are actually admissions or revelation about him/her and their internal struggles, you realize that it is not about YOU but it is about HIM/HER and their EGO. And when you find yourself attempting to "feel good" by making others wrong or bad, or twisting reality to suit your need to be right and justify your behavior, you can immediately stop yourself.
Just keep in mind that "disentangling" and "detoxing" yourself from the projections of others is a process. The first step is to recognize how it affecting how you date and relate (sometimes the hurt can go so deep that sometimes you don't even recognize how deep). Be kind to yourself as you "heal" and "grow".
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